Duo or No Duo
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: Bickslow's sick which, for some reason, means that Mirajane deserves a dog and Freed can never be happy. Laxus' isn't too sure on how that all works out, but like Lisanna always says, don't question what works. - One-shot.


"I'm sick, boss. Cough, cough, hack, all that jazz, yeah? Can't workout, see? Being all sick and stuff? But Freed and Evergreen, they don't get that. What it means to be sick. Never even been heartsick, the two of them. Don't have hearts, the way I see it. But you. You and Mrs. Boss- Especially you, Mrs. Boss, you know what it's like. To be sick. I'm sure. You're a woman, of course she knows. Being a woman and all. The fairer sex. They probably get sick all the time-"

"I have to stop you there, actually, Bickslow," Mira cut him off just as Laxus was busy trying to figure out how to turn off the communication lacrima. It was new and nice and Mira thought it was great, but he was about ready to smash it against a wall. "And not even for the sexism thing."

"What sexism thing?" the seith complained. Then he frowned, from his side of the crystal ball, before adding, "Cough, cough, hack, all that jazz."

"How do you turn this thing off?" Laxus was fuming though Mira only moved then, to take the ball from its stand and hold it out so she could address the seith directly.

"My problem," Mira continued with a heavy frown, "is why I'm considered a woman-"

"Considered?" Laxus complained from behind her.

"The fairer sex if I ever saw one," Bickslow added with a whistle. Then, of course, "Cough- Ah, you know the rest."

"-but Evergreen isn't one? For some reason? According to you?"

"Oh, she's not a woman," Bickslow assured Mira. "She's not even human. Did you miss the lack of a heart?"

"I'm not sure, though, that a heart is what determines-"

"Would you two cut it out?" Laxus growled loudly that time. "We told you idiots not to call us, Bickslow!"

And they had. He knew they had. Laxus and Mira had made it clear, under no circumstances, were they to be contacted at all during their vacation away from the week. Quite literally.

"Under no circumstance-"

"We know, Laxus," Lisanna complained as she sat there in the living room that day of the old Strauss home. "You've said it twenty times now. In the past hour."

And he had.

For good reason.

Because every single other time he and Mira ever tried to get away from them, what did those idiots wind up doing? Fucking it up. Showing up at the place they'd gone specifically to be alone. Calling them frequently on the communication lacrima. For people who, according to them have fulfilling lives outside of what Mira and Laxus were doing and why they weren't paying them any attention, the woman's siblings and his followers really didn't seem to.

"And we wish you all the best," Freed added, that day, in the living room as he sat between the typically quarreling (and obvious doing so at that moment as well) Elfman and Evergreen. "Mira. Laxus. On your trip. Alone. Don't we? Everyone?"

"Just don't come back with any babies," Bickslow warned which made Laxus, who was standing before them, choke on his own breath and made Mira, who was filtering in and out of the room, bringing in more snacks for their little get-together, giggle at the thought.

"Bickslow, shut up," Laxus growled at the seith, but from his place beside Lisanna on the love seat, he kept up.

"Boss, I'm serious," he insisted. "How do you think my babies would feel, huh? Seeing an actual baby, grow and become more than just a baby? Wouldn't be the very brother-in-law like thing to do."

"I'm not your brother-in-law."

"Not now, yet, sure, 'cause you're not the real Mrs. Boss, eh, Mrs. Boss? Maybe after this weekend?"

"What?" Mira had left the room once more, to now start on drink refills (the woman didn't know what it mean tot leave work at the office…), but came running at that statement. "Laxus, are you going to-"

"No! And I was- Which I'm not, demon, seriously, he's a dumbass, ignore him. But if I was and you ruined it, dumbass," the slayer growled as he and Bickslow just seemed at complete odds that day, "then you probably wouldn't be making it to the wedding."

"So," Lisanna sang, just to entice her sister, "there is a wedding?"

"What?" Elfman had been completely enraptured with making glares over Freed's head at Evergreen, but that caught his attention somehow. "What wedding? Is that why you're going away? Mirajane? To get married?'

"Oh, gosh, am I? Laxus-"

"No, Mira, stop listening to these imbeciles. What do they know? More than you? You think I would tell them more than you about our own damn long-term future?"

"Long-term future?" Evergreen couldn't help it. Getting Mirajane riled up was worth Laxus lumping her in with the likes of Lisanna, Elfman, and Bickslow. "Sounds serious."

"Laxus." Now Mira was getting all flushed. But not nearly as red as her damn dragon. "I'm serious, tell me now if-"

"I'm telling you, Mira, that, I'm not plan-"

"Well, first comes love," Lisanna interjected. "And you love her, don't you, Laxus?"

"You shut up, Lisanna. You little turncoat. And stop eating our snacks! I bought these and you morons can't have them anymore. Mira, pack the snacks back up!"

"Then comes marriage," Evergreen agreed with a bright grin. "And then, oh, what is it?"

"Death. Homelessness," Elfman sighed with a soft shake of his head. "Orphans."

"Your parents aren't the only people to ever have gotten married, you know," Freed told the other man with a slight frown.

"Yeah," Evergreen with a roll of her eyes. "Sometimes you get divorced."

"But to get orphans," Lisanna brightened the mood, "you have to have-"

"Better not be babies." Bickslow shook his head. "I told you about that, boss. Make my babies feel all inadequate and stuff. Why do you think when I take them to the park and there are other children there, I immediately scream at the top of my lungs about how Magnolia proper has deemed me unfit to be around children and if I see any, I might punt them in the head. Really clears the area for my dolls to spread out, see the sights. You know?"

"No, Bickslow," Ever said rather slowly after a beat passed in which even Mira's glee paused momentarily. "We don't know."

"But please," Freed was quick to add, "don't explain."

"Sounds like you're babies just aren't man enough to accept their inadequacies," Elfman grumbled.

"Well, yeah, Elf," Lisanna said with a bit of a bemused grin over at him. "They're babies."

Eh.

"Or they need to install a marshal at these parks to deal with overgrown men terrorizing young children." Freed, of course, was far closer to the truth, but given no on in the room was interested in it, he was mostly ignored.

"We're not getting married," Laxus finally huffed at Mirajane who was busy hanging off him as she debated, honestly, whether or not she was the type that would find a surprise (though now not so surprise) wedding romantic. She was leaning towards definitely romantic, but many not desired. "Or ever having...babies. Gross. Do you know what that does to a body?'

Which was enough to get Mira to stop hanging onto him as well as, at least momentarily, Evergreen to be on Mira's side. Extremely momentarily, but still, a side was had.

"Excuse me?" Mira asked as Ever raised an eyebrow and even Lisanna seemed to stop having so much fun at the slayers expense (though she was sure going to have some in his demise).

"Not you." And Laxus almost sound annoyed at the insinuation. "Me. They don't call it a dad bod for nothing."

"I thought that was a term of endearment," Freed remarked with a frown before glance around. The women were still too busy glaring to care and Bickslow and Elfman only seemed to respond to very specific prompts. If it wasn't directly relating to the word 'man' or leading into a very crass joke, the pair seemed to mostly tune everyone else out. "If not an attraction."

"Ha." Laxus snorted at the thought. "My body is not an endearment. I'm attractive and hot because I've slaved over my own personal health for my entire life. Not because I've put on twenty pounds from being stressed over raising ungrateful brats, but look, at least I still can do pushups on the weekends and run a lap or two around the park."

"Better not be in the park with your ungrateful brats," Bickslow quipped up. "I'll harass 'em, boss. My own nephew and nieces, I swear it!"

Lisanna, no longer having to defend her sister or her possible future physique, fell easily back into the roll of the seith's biggest supporter. He was, after all, her boyfriend. Which, unfortunately for the others, seemed to mean to the woman that it was her job to make sure at least one person was laughing at his jokes.

And there typically was just one.

Well, two, if you counted his loud laughter at his own antics.

"Hear that, Mira?" Lisanna asked, easily getting her sister back into an excited mood. "Sons and daughters? Wow, you guys sure will be busy."

She clapped, Mira did, and Ever sighed in something that might be envy, but just as quickly, the dragon was trying to shove the demon off once more and, well, the point of the whole meeting was simply that they weren't to be bother the two of them. Laxus felt like he'd made that clear.

Kind of.

Well, not at all apparently, considering that first night as he and Mira, after a day of traveling, were trying to relax in their hotel room, the fucking lacrima started going off.

"Leave it in the bag."

"Dragon, it could be important."

"Mira, you're hardly even presentable."

"Laxus, I wear less than this when I model." She frowned down at her night gown. "And this really isn't that attractive."

"Yeah, well-"

"Would you rather go back home to a destroyed guild?"

"I'd rather worry about it when I get home."

But there was no talking to the woman. There never was. And then the lacrima and it's holder was place on the bed and she was talking to Bickslow and oh, damn, he hated that it hadn't been left at home.

"You told us not to bother you, boss," Bickslow defended, that evening, on his side of the lacrima.

"Right," the slayer agreed. "And what are you doing?"

"I'm not botherin' ya. This is important. They're trying to force me to go training, in the middle of the night, under duress. Under stress. While sick. Cough, cough, hack. Gurgle, boss. I think I'm gurgling!"

"Bickslow," he growled as, finally, he snatched the lacrima from his girlfriend. "Look, you little halfwit, I don't give a shit if you train or not."

"Thank you so much for saying that, boss."

"I don't give a shit," he kept up, "because it has nothing to do with me. Mira's the one that fills your stupid heads with a one for all and all for one shit. It may be that way with her and her twisted siblings-"

"My what?" Mira griped, reaching to get the lacrima back then. He only held it over his head though, angling it down so Bickslow actually got to see they were both in their skivvies. He tried hard not to make quips.

"-but it's not with us. I like you, Bickslow. But I ain't in all that tribal shit you guys are. That's your domain. If you don't wanna be a part of the group, don't be. But don't whine and bitch about it later when you lose all your friends because you're turning into a stoner drug addict just to impress Mirajane's little sister who, by the way, would literally be impressed by someone show any ounce of attention at her.

"Laxus!" Mira had had enough.

"What did he just say?"

Apparently, somewhere in the background on Bickslow's end, so had Lisanna.

The seith snickered some then before quickly saying, "I love ya too, boss-"

"I said like."

"-but I gotta run now, huh?"

And oh, he did. Laxus felt much like running too, actually, considering Mira was none too pleased with his comments in the past minute or so. Needless to say, the benefits of their first night away were taken away from him.

But no matter. Wasn't a big deal. Laxus was actually kind of tired anyways.

So there.

Besides, he had many other days to figure this all out.

But his horde of idiots never liked to see their fearless leader succeed. At least it didn't feel like it.

"Freed, why are you on my lacrima right now?"

"I assure you, I don't want to be."

"Then don't be," Laxus grumbled as he sat there, glaring at the thing. Mira was in the shower at the moment, getting ready for their dinner that evening. He was busy pretending to get ready (he was perfection, who readied perfection; he only pretended to not make the demon feel bad for needing to do so). "Scram. Unless the guild or Earthland is in dire straits-"

"They're not, but-"

"Then I don't wanna see you right now." He was seated on the couch in the hotel room, lacrima on the table before it, but Laxus eyes were passed it then. Instead, he kept focusing on that dang bathroom door. "Now, if you'd excuse me-"

"Bickslow has left the Thunder Legion."

"Yeah, well- What?"

"And he says you told him to do so."

"When did I say that?"

He didn't.

Did he?

Even if he didn't, Laxus was then considering if it wasn't kind of for the better anyways…

"I don't know," Freed seemed to have him then and relaxed, just slightly, on his end. "But he told me he was handing in a notice to leave the team because you said he should..."

"He should…" Laxus trailed off as well, as if coaxing the rune mage into explaining.

"Become addicted to drugs and partner up with Lisanna, instead of us, to keep her from becoming interested in any other man that-"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Laxus?" The shower cut off, it seemed, at the most unfortunate moment. "Did you call for me?"

"No, demon," he grumbled back to her as finally, the lacrima had his full attention. "I'm just singing. Take your time."

"You're so cute, Laxus."

At the moment? He definitely wasn't.

Glaring rather heavily at the lacrima, the woman was far from his mind as he asked his most faithful follower, "What are he and Lisanna even going to do together?"

"Well, I feel like the addiction will take up most of their time-"

"Freed-"

"They plan to form, as he told me, something even better than a legion. Better than a tribe. Better than a team."

"What's that?"

Freed only sighed. "A duo."

A true horror.

"I forbade it."

"I don't think they asked your permission, Laxus."

"They took my suggestion."

'You said you didn't suggest-"

"What I may or may not have suggested is not important right now." Then he huffed. "In fact, none of this matters. At all."

"L-Laxus-"

"It doesn't. You dopes, especially those two dopes, they will work this out before we get back," he decided. "And this is just interfering with my time with Mira for no reason. You're all like kids who act out, for no reason, because your mother and father are working."

"W-Well, not working, considering you're on vacation, but-"

"No more! I'm cutting you all off. I'm not answering this lacrima for another one of you. Your problems are petulant and childish."

Freed sighed some then before remarking, "I typically would take heed of your wisdom, Laxus, but I fear this might only snowball without your-"

"Good. Heed it and leave me alone."

Finally the master of turning the damn thing off, Laxus ended communication and got on with his night.

And oh, was it a night.

The next morning, he and the demon were lounging in bed and she was talking about all that bullshit the others filled her head with, marriage and kids and how attractive he was also because he had to have some incentive, she knew, to actually have that conversation. Well, one-sided conversation. But he was putting up with it and nodding in all the right places and oh, the lacrima.

"Demon-"

"Emergencies, Lax."

He huffed a bit as she tumbled out of bed before tumbling into some clothes and going to get the lacrima all set up.

Then she was sitting on the couch, staring at her brother who was very concerned, apparently, over all that was happening.

"Lisanna and Bickslow are what?" Mira asked with a heavy frown. "I mean...it's not the end of the world, I guess. I'm sure Freed and Evergreen are hurt, but-"

"I don't care about that. That's not the bad part." Elfman huffed, heavily. He did care, kind of, anyways, about his sister apparently planning to take jobs with the seith. He cared a lot. But there was something he cared a bit more about. "Now Ever's trying to ditch out of her and Freed's duo and form one with me! And I can't have that."

"Oh my gosh, just turn him off," Laxus complained from the bed. "They're morons, Mira. Morons. All of them. They'll be fine for a few more days. They're like having a pet. Leave some food out and hope for the best."

"Why can't Evergreen be part of your duo, Elf?" Mirajane was having to process a lot of new information in that moment and it was kind of overloading her a bit. "I think it's a cute idea! In fact-"

"She's not a man! I can't be a partner with people who aren't manly! What would the guild think of me?"

"Hate to break it to you, but no one thinks of you," Laxus griped at him. "In any regard. So-"

"Me and Lisanna go on jobs with you," Mira kept up, ignoring her boyfriend. He felt this was a common occurrence, honestly. "And we're not men."

"Are you kidding? You're two of the biggest men around!"

Laxus was growing impatient. Clearly, he was going to have to at least somewhat solve this little issue if he was ever going to get back to his special demon snuggle time. And he had to get back to it. They hadn't gotten to the part when she bragged about all his accomplishments yet.

It was the whole point of coming on the trip!

"Why," Laxus grumbled as he glared over at where his girlfriend was with the lacrima, "don't you just tell Evergreen no, Elfman? Ever doesn't even really like you, last time I checked.

"I mean, they're dating, Lax."

"Like I said, Mira, she doesn't even like him."

"Because," Elfman explained then (though not about the not truly liking him thing; he'd known about that for awhile, after all), "if Bickslow and Lisanna make people thing that that's a thing now, that duos are...couples, then… Then people will think that Evergreen and Freed are together and that I wasn't man enough for her."

Even Mira paused at that while Laxus only groaned.

"No," the she-devil said slowly then. "I don't think anyone will ever think that Freed and Ever are… No, I don't… Laxus? Could you-"

"If Evergreen's not man enough for you, Elfboy," the slayer grumbled, "then believe me, she's not man enough for Freed."

"You take that back!" For some reason, this enraged the other guy. "My girlfriend is plenty manly!"

"You just said-"

"I can say it! You can't! I didn't call your girlfriend unmanly."

"Mira's not manly," Laxus complained and he couldn't believe it, really, that he was lying in bed with Mira so far away from him, having such stupid fucking conversation with Elfman. Well, he could believe it. Because it sounded exactly like something he'd be roped into doing. "At all. I like her that-"

"You take that back!"

"What now?"

"That's my sister you're talking about!"

"Mira," Laxus began and she only sighed some.

"You know, Elf, it doesn't sound too manly," the woman pointed out. "Caring about what others think."

"I- Well, it's not." Suddenly, he took to crossing his arms. "Men know who they are without others input."

"Then-"

"Why do Lisanna and Bickslow need to be a...duo anyways?"

"Well, neither of them seem to ever want to train or take jobs or-"

"Do anything at all anymore and it's a terrible thing and we're only letting them fall further into the hole of being unable to care for themselves." Over on the bed, Laxus had to get this off his chest. He'd contemplated it a lot recently. "I mean, Mira, they can't even cover the living expenses of his dolls anymore."

"I paid for them to get doll paint one time, Laxus. It's not that big of-"

"You paid?" Elfman was animated again on the lacrima. "I gave them jewels last month for doll paint!"

As Mira seemed shocked Laxus only forced himself out of bed, unabashed by his nudity, and slunk off to the bathroom.

Fuck all of 'em.

He needed a shower.

Unfortunately though, they had sprouted a stupid, dumb idea in the head of his stupid, dumb (but perfect and cunning and the only person on the entire planet for him) demon.

"We should team up and be a duo. I could quit working up on the bar as much and we could take all the jobs that you take together and travel and ooh, dragon, what do you think our team name should be? Something dark. No, funny! No, dark and funny!"

Needless to say, Laxus did not have the luxury of hoping the morons all fixed themselves before he got back to town. On the off chance they didn't, he might just have to kiss his long, leisurely weeks away from Magnolia all alone away and instead spend them with Mira.

Which, don't get him wrong, he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't while he was away. No way. But he might bash his head in if his special time away was ruined by the woman.

She could be more than a bit grating on the senses.

Even more unfortunate for the slayer, however, his most faithful servant was having a crisis of his own.

There he was, Freed, busy planning life as a solo mage, when it happened. He was actually a bit excited, honestly, at the prospect. Though he took jobs away from Evergreen and Bickslow (even more now that the two had significant others that ate up their time), his core jobs were always with the three of them. They always had been. The dissolution of the Thunder God Tribe was going to hurt, oh, it would sting for awhile, but the idea of a fresh start…

He'd wanted to grow as a mage since, well, becoming a mage. And though he'd done that leaps and bounds over the years with his partners, he thought that on his own, with only himself to solve each riddle, complete each task, well, that would only foster even more growth.

Plus…

It was difficult, the season of his life, currently. All of theirs, really. They hadn't been children in years, but they had been in that bachelor stage of life where the rough teenage existence was waning into true maturity. Now though, that they were leaving young adult life and entering the stage truly, he was finding that they were drifting away from one another more and more. It went further than just the inclusion of the Strausses into their relationships (though that was a big strain on things), but also just their goals in general.

Freed didn't want a family. Not in the way the others seemed to. He was content, honestly, with what he had currently, at the guild, with the Legion, between the Strauss siblings. That was all enough for him. But the others…

He wasn't so sure that Bickslow and Lisanna were truly meant to be together, but he was sure that for the time being, they planned to be. Quite heavily, on top of that. They were forging a life together (a grifter life, but a life nonetheless) and living together and wanting to be around one another more and more and, well, it was fine at first, but…

Work couldn't wait. Not for Freed and Evergreen. While Bickslow seemed to be supplementing his income through Lisanna (who was doing so through her siblings and Laxus), Freed and Evergreen didn't have such luxury. Jobs had to be taken to pay rent and bills and expenses. Both were self-made and liked it that way.

With Evergreen though, it wasn't her lack of presence on jobs or training that really hurt Freed, but rather her current lack of drive. She was far more concerned with what Elfman was doing and if he was seeing anyone because they were on a break, at the moment, but not a real break, what a big idiot, she saw how he was looking at the other women at the guild.

Granted, he was that once. But only because he was trying to scope out which of the main cast of girls up at the bar was man enough to help him pick out Ever's perfect birthday present (he knew better than to ask his sisters because Lisanna would sabotage it for the laughs and if Ever found out Mira helped him, he'd never hear the end of it).

It was just a lot. His two friends were clearly ready to head into the true relationship portions of their lives and while Freed wished them well, he felt as if it was his time to move on as well. He was ready to become considered on the same level as Erza or Mirajane. Not Laxus, ooh, not yet, but he wanted to keep working and striving towards it. And that meant actually putting some effort in.

If going it alone was the only way to accomplish his goals, then so be it.

Then his lacrima went off.

Now, Freed knew Laxus. He really knew Laxus. Not in that way that the others thought that they did. Ha. Ha. It was laughable. All of them. From Bickslow to Ever to even Mirajane. They had no idea all the different nooks and crannies of the man's mind that Freed did. Freed would boast that he knew Laxus better than Laxus knew himself, but he knew better than to even insinuate that there was someone better than the man at something.

So, when the lacrima went off and he could see that it was an interception from Mirajane and Laxus, well, he knew that he couldn't answer.

Because after the thrashing he'd gotten before, he knew that Laxus was only calling for one reason; to test him.

He wanted to see if Freed would actually answer because that would prove that Freed wasn't completely following orders, but huzzah! Freed was not so easily tricked.

The rune mage felt good about his art of deduction...until the lacrima continued to be pinged as Laxus continued to broach communication with him and oh, the joke seemed to just be going on far too long.

Clearly something was wrong. Clearly Laxus needed him. Or worse; Mira was the one contacting him because something was wrong with Laxus and there he was ignoring it and oh, what then? What then?

But…

Well, sometimes, Laxus could be a bit...vindictive. And he might actually be doing this on purpose, just to trick Freed. It wasn't the quality of a very honorable man, Freed knew, but Laxus was flawed. He was mortal (no matter what he told himself). That meant that he made mistakes.

But what if he wasn't making one?

Oh, oh, oh, Freed worried about Laxus. But also about how Laxus would view him and it was just too much.

"Whatever, Freed," Evergreen finally griped as the man continued to babble on as he dumped this all on her. He'd walked all the way over to her home with the lacrima and she was tired of the dang pinging noise it was making as Laxus was trying to contact them. "Just make the thing be quiet."

"I want you to answer it. Laxus is less likely to think unkind thoughts of you."

Plus, even if he did, Freed really couldn't care either way.

They set the lacrima up at her kitchen table and, as Freed hid from view, Evergreen answered.

"Freed! Where have you- Ever?"

"Freed's out," was all she replied to the annoyed looking Laxus. "What's up?"

Any suspicions he might have had were quickly put out of the slayer's mind as a light bulb wen toff in it instead.

"Actually," he replied, "you're the one who could help me more with this anyways."

And that was enough for Freed to pop into view, nearly knocking Evergreen out of her chair (lack of trying wasn't an issue, either) as he declared, "I'm here, actually, Laxus, and-"

"Freed?" He glared again. "Why didn't you fucking answer my-"

"I was merely-"

"Stop shoving me." Ever finally shoved Freed back. "And what is it that you want, Laxus? I thought that you didn't want to be bothered while you're-"

"I don't wanna be bothered ever. And if you don't do this," he griped, "I'll be bothered for the rest of my life!"

"Bickslow was right then?" Ever frowned, as that phrase had never left her mouth. "You're contemplating marrying her? Mirajane? Because let me tell you, Laxus, it will only end in-"

"You're what? Laxus, please, take such a thing seriously." Freed finally settled to standing behind Ever's chair. "It is not that I do not like Mirajane. I think she's fine. But-"

"I'm not getting married!" He yelled that, Laxus did. He couldn't help it. "Have you seen me? Tie this down? Even Mira could only dream."

"A lot of people could dream," Freed assured him, but Ever only groaned.

"What was it then?" she asked with a frown. "What do you want me-"

"I am here as well, I remind-"

"What is it that you want us to do?" she corrected. "Laxus?"

"Break up Bickslow and Lisanna."

"Oh, if we could do that, we definitely would have by now." Evergreen let out a long sigh. "Have you heard about the two of them have-"

"Yes. And that's why I'm telling you right now to put a stop to it."

Freed, confused by Laxus' sudden interest, questioned, "Are you worried about the sanctity of the Thunder God-"

"I don't give a shit about that! Elfman told Mira that everyone's going to start paring off into duos according to who they're dating and I can't do it. No. I won't do it. I will not let her interfere with my alone time. It's bad enough when you blowhards try and get in on my jobs-"

"I really don't think anyone, but Bickslow and Lisanna are planning such a thing," Freed attempted to assuage his idol. "So I think you and Mira are-"

"Elfman says he and Ever are-"

"That has nothing to do with romance." Evergreen even shook her head a bit. "I don't even like Elfman."

"Yeah," Laxus grumbled. "We're all aware."

"It has to do with dominance." Her eyes glinted a bit, Ever's did, as she said that, clinching a fist as well. "And control. He thinks that he can just team up with any other woman he sees, huh? Now that his sister is too busy for him? Guess again."

Laxus and Freed shared a look through the lacrima before both staring at the woman with concerned expressions.

The slayer lost his much more quickly, however.

He was far less concerned about whatever Elfman was going through in his relationship and far more worried about all Mira was about to put him through.

"Anyways," he began again with a shake of his head, "My point is that Mira wants me and her to team up. This can't happen. So you two bozos are gonna have to get that duo shit to stop. Immediately. I don't wanna anything else about it when I come back. Got it? I don't care if it means murdering Bickslow, get it done."

Then he mean mugged them and that was that.

They never let him down. Thunder Legion or no Thunder Legion, he had faith in them.

Or at least had faith in their fear of disappointing him.

"So?" Freed asked Ever once it was just the two of them in the kitchen. "What do we do?"

"Kill Bickslow."

"Ever."

"Fine. Kill Elfman first for gossiping with his sister about our relationship."

"You do realize he has every right to confide in his family, right?" Freed raised an eyebrow at her. "You don't think you can force the man to just keep it all bottled inside, do you?"

"I keep it all bottled in and you don't hear me complaining."

"Well, you tell me everything."

"You don't count."

"Right, just like his sister wouldn't-"

"Are you going to argue with me? Or do what Laxus wanted?"

She already knew the answer.

Freed sent Evergreen off to deal with Elfman (which had nothing to do with the Laxus thing and was just her personal issue) while he went to the source of the problem. The source of all the problems.

"Sorry, Freed, can't let ya in," Bickslow said when he answered the front door. Well, he didn't answer it. Just looked through the peep whole. "This is super secret dynamic duo business only. So scram."

"I just saw Natsu, Lucy, and Happy leaving," Freed complained. "They aren't in the duo. When did they get to come in?"

There was silence for a moment as Bickslow thought.

"Because I'm the leader of the duo and I said so, that's why."

Well, because Lisanna said so, was more like it, probably.

"And they were here on official guild business. Had to see the team that's about to put theirs to shame." Bickslow laughed so loud that, even in the hall of the apartment building, Freed heard every decibel. "They have an S-Class wizard. What do Lissy and I have? Grit. And grins. Hey, Lisanna, write that down. Sounds like a good team-"

"Open the- Why is it just unlocked?" Freed frowned some as, when he tried the handle, he was able to easily walk into the apartment. "Bickslow-"

"We've been breached," was all he replied as, slunking away from the door then, he went back to join Lisanna on the couch once more. "You snake, Freed."

"What do you need?" Lisanna asked with a bit of a frown. "We are actually really busy."

"You're rolling cigarettes."

"We're busy rolling cigarettes," she agreed.

"Why are you rolling so many?"

"We're lacing them," Bickslow said simply.

"You're what?"

Both the seith and Lisanna shared a shake of the head.

"It's officialy duo business-"

"Lacing them with what? I knew it. Laxus kept saying that you're going too far, Bickslow, but I refused to believe-"

"We're gonna give them to bandits and things," Lisanna cut him off. "Out on jobs. No hardened bandit can refuse a good cigarette. But whoa, man, why is the room spinning. Oh, is it because we were just outsmarted by the one, the only Grit and Grins dynamic duo of Fairy Tail!"

"Hyaa!" Bickslow punched the air. Then, glancing up from the coffee table, where they had cigarette wraps and other paraphernalia lying about, he added, "And yeah, we might smoke a few."

'I knew it. And it's illegal to drug people."

"Not baddies."

"You're the baddies if you're drugging people, Lisanna. How have you gotten so stupid just from being around him?" Freed was at a loss for words. "How have you both gotten so stupid? Bickslow, I never remember you being like this. Why do you both push yourselves? So far? If you really cared about one another, are you not just enough? The jokes enough. We get it. We all get it. You're wild and crazy and still young and vibrant and that's fine. But this is just too much. This is just-"

"Oi, Freed, if you were gonna come over and _beg_ me to come back to the Thunder Legion, you shouldda just said so. Groveling like this. Disgusting, ain't it, Lissy?"

"Well, it's not pretty."

"That's not what I'm-"

"I mean, if you got down on your knees, maybe, and begged for me to-"

"I am not going to do that, Bickslow. At all."

"Alright, alright." Bickslow beamed at him. "I'll come back. If that's what you want."

"That...that simple?"

"Should I make it harder?"

"N-No." Freed shook his head and was heading right back to the door. "Absolutely not."

"And I can go to practice-"

"Whenever you want, Bickslow."

"Because, if I'm a burden, Lisanna and I-"

"No. This… We all make our own choices."

"When the man's right, Lissy, he's right."

Confused and not understanding too well, the rune mage left as quickly as possible, fearing some sort of change.

It was only after he was gone though that Bickslow and Lisanna started laughing and his tongue fell out and the babies, who'd been dormant (they were fearful of them messing up the loose wrappings), sprang to life (just to mess up the loose wrappings).

"I'm the backbone of that team, Lissy," he told her simply. "How dare they question my training habits. My commitment. Look, I pretended to be gone for a few days, partied with you, your friends, have taken up a hobby of lacing cigarettes, and their lives have fallen apart without me."

"I feel like you would have done those two things whether you were pretending to leave the group or not though," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but they don't know that."

It didn't all make sense. But it worked in their favor. That's all Bickslow and Lisanna required.

On Laxus end, however, they had unfortunately released a beast that would not be cage.

Na, not a beast.

 _A demon_.

And Laxus was not going to give up his alone time. No. When he was out and about, far away from home, the last thing that he wanted to do was turn over and see, oh, home was right there. What a frightening thought.

No.

He had to give up something else. Something that wasn't completely draining and made existence unbearable.

"You bought a puppy? This is an outrage," Bickslow complained as they all gathered at Laxus and Mira's apartment upon their return. "Such an impulse buy. Terrible. It'll grow, but what about my poor babies? Won't someone think of them?"

Even their own mother, Lisanna, wasn't. Or them themselves as they, along with her and the others, gathered around the puppy Mirajane held in her arms.

"Just think," Mira giggled as the puppy wiggled in her arms to be put down, "in a few years, this puppy will make us ready to have a real baby. Huh, Laxus?"

No. Definitely not. He'd think of something before that happened.

"We'll see, demon," was all he said in reply and even Evergreen seemed a bit interested in the little guy. As Mira let him down to inspect his environment (which excited the rest of them as it was finally time for her to give them the gifts she'd picked up while she was out), Laxus only slunk off to the kitchen.

"Some vacation," he grumbled as Freed, under the direction of Mirajane, went to find an old bowl in the kitchen to set out with some water for the pup. Mira and Laxus had no supplies or anything. It was hard for the rune mage not to lecture them on such a thing. "Feel even more tired now."

"Tired, boss?" Bickslow poked his head in, finding the man seated at the table. "IN need of some relaxation? Here, I got a cigarette with your name-"

"No!" Freed toppled a tower of bowels in the top cabinet in his rush to come over and toss the cigarette far from his idol. "Laxus, you must never smoke anything that he gives you. Ever."

"What?" Evergreen complained as she came into the kitchen as well then. "What do you want?"

"He's trying to give Laxus illicit drugs," the rune mage accused.

"What?" Bickslow looked aghast. "I would never drug someone without their knowledge. That's illegal, Freed."

"Yeah, well-"

"What kind of man do you take me for?"

"I don't take you for one at all." And here came Elfman. "Or that dog of yours, Laxus. He's a big baby! Hardly even squeezed him when I picked him up. Why'd he whine like that? Now big sis says I can't hold him or the baby you two are going to have."

"Good," Ever remarked as she took a seat with the miserable Laxus at the table. "Babies are gross anyways."

"Babies are cute." Enter Lisanna. "And so is that puppy. Hey, Laxus, are you in need of a dog walker? A paid dog walker? Who can set their own work hours? And work days? Work weeks, really, because-"

"Um, dragon?" Finally Mirajane, making a rather disgusted face. "Promise not to get made, but the new baby was just overwhelmed and he might have, maybe, left a little present in the living room that someone should clean up?"

"Like his dog walker," Evergreen offered and Lisanna gagged at the thought.

Laxus only groaned and rubbed his palms into his eyes, harshly, before letting out a loud cough. And he kept coughing. Even as Freed got him a glass of water and Mira rubbed at his back. Even threw out a hack. Was willing to gurgle. Through it all though, he did get out a few words. About needing to be alone.

It took some jewels (which his wallet was already hurting from the pet store canine), but he eventually got Ever, Elfman, Bickslow, and Lisanna to scram (actually getting sick? Not this seith), and Freed was willing to get him some meds while Mira ran out to get supplies for the puppy.

Then it was just that. Laxus and his new...puppy.

He wanted to be mad at the thing (he was having to scrub at the carpet because of it), but the stupid thing just kept licking his nose while he was down there with it and ugh.

"You're gonna make me actually sick," Laxus complained. "With your gross dog germs."

But, Laxus reminded himself when, eventually, a very pleased Mira returned with loads of toys and a doggie bed and dishes, canines still spread less disease than babies.

The best part though of dogs instead of kids was that, not only was it easier to leave them when it was time to take quests again (dogs, and their walkers, were expensive), but it was also easier to stay away longer.

Most important though, it gave demons something to do so that they weren't constantly bugging with letters and lacrima calls to find out when dragons were returning.

There was no vacation better, after all, than the one you took after an S-Class mission's completion when you were so far away from home, that nothing could reach you. Nothing could bug you. And you missed it, just a bit, home.

But not enough to wanna roll over and see it.

Just enough to consider heading home a bit sooner.

Then remembering how fucking annoying a new puppy was and deciding against it.

Just for a few more days, Laxus sighed as he relaxed with his music, alone, in a tavern hall.

They couldn't completely fuck up their lives in that time.

Could they?

No. And even if they did, he couldn't feel near as badly as poor Freed, who in his forever pursuit to stay faithful to Laxus wishes, saw yet another practice rescheduled.

"Lissy walked the dog today and, man, it was just a lot, you know," was Bickslow's excuse.

"I'm not spying on Elfman. I'm helping to make sure we don't fight...by following him out on his job. But not as a duo or whatever. Because that's dumb," was Ever's.

Freed only sighed, at the hall, as he allowed Team Natsu to take the job he planned for his own team, and instead sat up at the bar with Mirajane.

"Look up, Freed," she offered with a grin. "If I can trick Laxus into a dog, you can do whatever it is that has you so down too."

He nodded, but he didn't feel it.

It was hard, after all, truly being the backbone of a team.


End file.
